


i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)

by Niki



Series: and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: All the Bonding Clichés Ever, Alternate Universe, Biotics, Community: hc_bingo, Dubious Science, M/M, Soul Bond, Trope Bingo Round 1, canonical minor character deaths
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-30
Updated: 2013-04-30
Packaged: 2017-12-10 01:21:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 7,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/780126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niki/pseuds/Niki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan had never expected to meet anyone willing to tie themselves to him for the rest of their lives. Shepard had never expected to meet anyone he wanted to let into his head. No one had ever expected to see a bond like theirs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> AU – In ME1 the asari commando Shiala says (erroneously) that Saren needed her biotics to talk to the Thorian. So... what if human biotics can meld like the asari? Maybe they can even... form bonds? I know, I know, but I needed to fill my “unexpected consequences of planned soulbonding” square for Hurt/Comfort Bingo! And then it kept growing and growing as I wanted to see how the other games would go with that one change and here we are, with the monster that ate my brain. 
> 
> Also for [](http://trope-bingo.dreamwidth.org/profile)[](http://trope-bingo.dreamwidth.org/)**trope_bingo** prompt “telepathy/mindmeld”
> 
> Title from e.e.cummings.
> 
> Bit of a mess, but it'll have to do for now, I'm tired of wrestling with this beast.

When he was thirteen Kaidan Alenko learnt that he was different. An accident before his birth had saturated his body with element zero dust and that had transformed him into something other than a human. More than, said the man in a dark suit, and his parents wanted to believe that so desperately, wanted to believe he could be something other than a crazy wreck hiding in his room out of fear of hurting someone. 

When he attended lectures at Gagarin station, in the newly named Biotic Acclimation and Temperance training, he found out the mechanics of what had happened to him. What he was. What it meant. 

He could learn to harness the power of the alien nodes in his body. With the aid of an implant surgically inserted into his skull he could move objects, even people, seemingly with the power of his mind. He could fight and kill. 

Much more insidious, he could get into other people's head, joining their minds together, a side-effect unknown in any other biotic species, imitating the melding skills of the asari and raising new questions as to the origins of their abilities. 

There were safeguards – he could never meet anyone's mind against their will, or without their notice, a fact which seemed to annoy their Alliance backers. There were disadvantages. They were told never to have sex with each other. This was later amended to no sex with anyone.

Because – as they had found out by accident – a biotic who slept with someone could not refrain from joining their minds, and if they did... they would stay joined. Forever. Or at least until the other party died. 

They were still in the process of studying the bond. Innocent at the time, Kaidan didn't think about what that meant. Not until they turned older, and his fellow students seemed to... break the rules. They claimed they were accidents, but how could they have been? The rules were simple. He just didn't want to see what Conatix was willing to do in the name of science, to create the bonded pairs that seemed to be able to communicate through unlimited distances.

Not until Rahna, gentle, sweet Rahna whom Kaidan had loved since he had first seen her, was attacked by their turian teacher who wished to learn more about this strange human ability. 

That was when they learned that death could severe the bond without adverse effects. 

He killed Vyrnnus. 

It was an accident. Still, he thought Rahna would be grateful to not be tied to the brute monster of a man they had all come to know and hate. But apparently being in someone's head gave you another view, and despite the fact the bond had been created against her will... she mourned for him. 

And feared Kaidan. 

He resolved to stay alone for the rest of his life. He didn't want anyone to have to see his mind, not after the years at BAaT, not after all that he'd done, not after everything he'd seen. 

He avoided all the different organisations wanting to study him, to learn about him; he avoided all his class mates and teachers who'd know him as the first human to break a bond. He avoided any detection as a biotic, as they were feared by the general public for the skills they couldn't understand, believing they could kill you with their mind, or take over your body and read your mind. 

But he wanted to make something out of his life, so in the end he joined the Alliance. They at least valued their biotics. He refused their offer of an operation to replace his implant with the newer L3 model because it was dangerous and it might diminish his powers.

If all he was was a biotic, a living weapon, then dammit, he would be the best possible weapon he could. The migraines were a small price compared to the symptoms he'd heard other L2's were suffering, some even ending up as the crazy wreck hiding in a room.

He was friendly with people, always polite, because he felt like he had to represent all the biotics, try to give them a good rep, but he never let anyone close, not for real. He was afraid of caring too much, of ending up demanding too much. 

There had been the accidental bondings, which he only later realised had been prompted – the students had been exposed to different scenarios, trying to trigger the reaction in other ways besides sex. He never saw the studies as the records were sealed after BAaT closed down. All he had were the rumours that intense friendships or any strong reactions could cause spontaneous bonding. 

After all, if an attack could cause it, it didn't just have to be sex in the sense they had been officially taught. 

So he avoided any strong attachments to his fellow marines, to civilians, to his ship mates. He still had the camaraderie of the ship, and no one feared him, so it was better than his life before but still almost as lonely. 

Yet, he was content, and was ready for that to be his life.


	2. Chapter 2

John Shepard was one of the lucky ones. Even though exposed to eezo dust before his birth he never developed any of the side effects – not the tumours but not the powers either. Growing up in a universe that feared and distrusted human biotics, he counted both parts equal wins. 

He used to joke that that one feat finished his luck, as everything that happened to him after his birth... well, his childhood was happy enough, growing up in a peaceful colony in Mindoir, with a loving family and nice neighbours and a whole planet for an inquisitive child to explore. But that just made losing it so much worse.

He was so badly hurt the Alliance soldiers who found him after the Batarian slave raid thought he was dead at first. He reserved his luck to important occasions, though, and woke up briefly while they were still in the vicinity, and they took him with them.

It took him almost two years to recover, mentally and physically, from what he had gone through, and he joined the Alliance the first day he could. It's not like he had anything else, and these guys were heroes in his eyes. They did what he wanted to do, keep the galaxy safe, and failing that, be there to pick up the pieces. 

They might not remember him, but he'd remember their names and faces to the day he died. 

Him getting through his basic training had nothing to do with luck, only hard work and dedication. Akuze, he claimed, was down to damn blind luck again, as again he was fished out alive from a pile of dead, this time his fellow soldiers, half melted from the acid the monster worm had spouted at them.

The skin grafts took faster than the bone regrowth after Mindoir, and this time he didn't have time to sit in therapy. He drowned himself in his work, coming to the attention of the right people, and being invited to Rio to test for N1. 

He made N7 in almost record time. Again, no luck, just damn hard work. After all, what else did he have?

He was getting so accustomed to loss he formed no close ties with anyone, not the people he served with, not the civilians he rescued and protected, not the people he drank with or slept with or played with off duty. 

If he had nothing to lose, the inevitable loss wouldn't hurt so much. 

He'd never met anyone worth risking that pain for.


	3. Chapter 3

“Commander, this is Lieutenant Alenko. We were lucky to get him, one of the strongest biotics we have. Lieutenant, I want you to meet our new Executive Officer, Commander Shepard.”

After they had moved on Anderson turned to Shepard and said, in a lower tone, “He's unbonded, so he prefers keeping to himself to avoid... accidents, you know.”

“Yes, sir,” Shepard said, but surreptitiously turned to look back at the dark-haired Lieutenant. He must have been about thirty. It was rare to find unbonded biotics in the service, most forming bonds with their fellow soldiers just because they shared so many intense experiences, and the Alliance encouraged those bonds for the usefulness of biotic communication, even if that meant bonded pairs were seldom allowed to serve together. 

“Has he lost his bondmate?” he couldn't help but ask, even though he knew that was veering over the line of too personal.

“No, he has never bonded.”

Which meant that the handsome marine was also almost certainly a virgin. Holy hell. That took some self-control. Or denial. Or a lacking sex drive, because he refused to believe the man had been lacking in offers, even if the price of bedding him was the life-long bond. 

Of course, he could be a complete jerk.

He wasn't. He was one of the nicest, politest, brightest and most competent people Shepard had ever served with, and his biotics were a thing of beauty in the battlefield. 

As their mission grew more intense, and the crew of the Normandy closer than on any ship he had ever served with, Shepard found himself drawn to the man more and more often. At first it was the simple getting to know your crew mates stuff but gradually he managed to make it more personal, opening up about his own life, trying to show in every way he could that he would be there, open to anything the other man was willing to share.

“You make a habit of getting this personal with everyone?” the Lieutenant asked, once.

“No, no I don't,” Shepard replied, smiling very slightly. “We'll talk again later.”

“I'll, uh – I'll need some time to process that, Commander. But yeah, I'd like that.”

When Kaidan finally told him about his past, the BAaT training and his experiences there... Shepard felt like he had just been awarded a medal because the amount of trust that showed was enough to humble him. 

He told Kaidan about his childhood on the farm, then, and the day it was taken away from him. The compassion in his brown eyes was the best balm he'd ever had for the wounds. 

Shepard found himself flirting, and he never ever did that with his crew mates, especially not after he became their superior. 

Kaidan was flirting back, even though he had been so reserved at first Shepard had to remind him there were no regs against being friends with your CO. Kaidan had looked almost sad, and it didn't connect until later that the man had a reason for keeping everyone at a distance. 

No one still knew the exact mechanisms or conditions needed for biotic bonding. The only 100% sure way was sex but that wasn't the only way, and most biotics grew wary because of that. 

Soon, Shepard found himself wondering about what that would be like. Being tied to another person, always knowing where they were – that they were somewhere, for you, and always would be. He feared it as much as he found himself wanting it. Not with some nameless biotic who could offer him a bond, but with Kaidan. Kaidan with his high cheekbones and one sided grin, his fit body and amazing ass, the warm tone in his voice when he spoke of the civilians they were protecting, and the smart considering words he offered on their mission. 

Kaidan, who made him want things he had though buried long ago. Not just desire his toned body and shapely lips could offer, but the warmth of another body in his bed, in his life. Someone to share his life, his dreams, his future with. Someone to remind him of the weird concept of “family” he liked to pretend he had forgotten about. 

What was it about the other man that made him jump from lust to commitment in his thoughts in just a few short weeks?

Of course, battlefield flirting was one thing, enjoyed by men and women alike, regardless of their true interests. The girl Kaidan had talked about... it was possible he didn't even care about men. 

It could be a lot to ask from a man, one night leading to a lifelong commitment... it should be lot to ask from him, too. But he feared the commitment was going to be there soon enough, with or without the night, the bond, or even the mutuality of it.


	4. Chapter 4

“Don't, please,” Kaidan said, taking a step away from his commander. 

“Kaidan? I just wanted to know if you were all right.”

“How could I be? Ashley's dead and... and you shouldn't be close to me right now.”

“I'm sorry I had to make the call,” Shepard said, sounding so cut up about it Kaidan looked up, just catching the look on his face that spoke of guilt and self-loathing. 

“You had to protect the bomb,” he said tiredly. “It had nothing to do with her and me. Only the mission.”

“Then why do you...?”

“Oh.” Oh. He thought Kaidan was blaming him for the death of the Gunnery Chief. “I... my emotions are running a bit high at the moment. It might not be safe to...” He could see the moment his meaning came clear to the other man but what surprised him was the look of sadness that ran through his face before it evened out into the blank mask of a CO he often wore. 

“I see. And you wouldn't want me to be the one you'd get stuck to,” Shepard said self-deprecatingly and turned to leave. 

“That's... not the reason,” he said quietly, even if it meant that Shepard paused at the door.

“No?” The Commander didn't turn and it was impossible to gauge his mood from the back of his head, the exposed neck and the short hair.

“No one I'd rather be stuck with,” he said, quietly, deciding to trust on the flirtation (after all, Shepard didn't flirt with anyone else on the ship – or off it) and the sadness. ”But... not like this. Not by accident. Not against your wishes.”

“What if... it was not against my wishes?” came the quiet reply, but the man was still facing the door. 

“Still not like this,” Kaidan said with a small joyless laugh. “Not because I lost control.”

That made Shepard finally turn around and the expression on his face... 

“Then it might be better that I leave, before I am tempted to encourage said loss of control.”

“Yeah,” he got out with a hoarse voice.

“But we will talk about this later,” Shepard vowed. 

“I'd like that,” Kaidan said, smiling just a little, and Shepard smiled back before finally leaving the room, his steps much lighter than they had been coming in.

Ashley was still dead, of course, and he was still devastated, but... for the first time in... ever, Kaidan was cautiously hopeful as well.


	5. Chapter 5

It was hard to find a good moment to discuss a relationship that by its nature was going to be permanent. 

Not being able to talk to Kaidan about it, Shepard found himself thinking about it, almost too much. Did he really care about the other man that much? Was he even ready to care for someone that much? Was he crazy? Did he know him well enough? Did he really want that, even if he did care about him?

It kept him awake at night almost as much as the whole mission did, and every morning it seemed he'd let his fears win. 

And then he saw Kaidan again, felt the effect of his smile through all his body, and wanted. Just, wanted, more of him. Wanted time to get to know him better, even though he realised he did know him, knew what he was like under fire, in a stressful situation, in grief, how he was when relaxed.

And he was getting to be known as well, was telling the man things he never thought he would, about his childhood, about the raid. About Akuze. 

So that when their minds met for the first time, there would be no dark corners to make the other man regret his choice.


	6. Chapter 6

After Feros and the Thorian, after having to watch the asari commando meld with Shepard, right there in front of him, it felt like... The jealousy was like a punch to solar plexus in its suddenness, and the pain it caused was almost physical. Even though it only took a moment to share the information, for Kaidan it felt like being forced to watch someone being intimate with the man he loved and...

He loved Shepard. He was in love with Shepard. Despite all his care and preparation, he had allowed someone close, and now they – he – would be in danger of Kaidan losing his control and...

It was over. Shepard looked unharmed and unaffected, and they could finally leave the Thorian's lair and make their way to the remaining colonists. 

At the debrief, Liara offered to join with Shepard to help him make sense of the Cipher, and Kaidan felt sick. Was he going to have to witness this again? With Liara? He wasn't sure he was going to be able to watch this calmly, might have to excuse himself and damn professionalism. He wasn't sure he could talk to Liara after, thinking that she'd been able to touch Shepard's mind when he couldn't, and...

“Yes, that's a good idea,” Shepard said. “But we'll do it later.”

“But...”

“Later.”

Shepard wasn't looking at him but Kaidan couldn't help but feel like he'd done it to give him personally a reprieve. He wasn't sure how to feel about it. When Shepard ended the meeting he was among the first to stand up to go, but Shepard asked him to stay in an official tone. 

Was he going to get reprimanded for his lack of professionalism?

The question, when it came, was a surprise. 

“Are you all right?”

“Me? Of course.”

“Really? I mean, I thought... maybe it would have troubled you to have to witness that. If I'm wrong, then... good, I guess. If not, then I'm sorry. But I didn't see how I could refuse, I needed the info Saren had.”

“I know, I _know_ that,” Kaidan got out. “And I'd never have said anything.” 

Shepard stepped closer and wrapped his arms around him, the closest they'd ever been outside their armours, in a non-combat situation. He resisted at first, then relented and leaned into the hug, even bringing his own arms to surround the other man.

“It was... yeah, it was hard,” he admitted against Shepard's neck. 

“I'm sorry,” Shepard repeated, as if it was his fault. 

“Anything for the mission, Shepard. Anything to get the job done.”

“But having to allow a stranger into my mind when you are right here, and I can't... we can't.” It was the first time either one of them had referred to the subject since right after Virmire, and Kaidan had almost thought Shepard had decided to shelve the whole discussion. The pain in Shepard's voice surprised Kaidan with its intensity, and suddenly he realised Shepard really wanted this as much as he, was as invested in this as he.

“We can,” he said, finally believing Shepard really wished this. “We will.”

“Really?” There was such cautious joy in his voice that Kaidan let go of last of his fears.

“Yes,” was the only thing he got out. He wanted to do it right away. He could initiate contact with anyone in touching distance, and it was perfectly safe in itself, he had practised it, and it was only dangerous if they were very close, or if he was very emotional, which, unfortunately, meant that the more he wanted to do it, the less he was supposed to do it. 

“I want to... so bad... I want to know everything that makes you, you,” he said, physical contact almost overwhelming him. “I want to touch that, and never let go.”

“I want you to,” Shepard said, simply. 

Letting Shepard go was one of the hardest things he had ever done. It felt like he was sending his boyfriend to sleep with another woman. Although it was even worse, even more intimate, and it was with a friend. 

“I'll close my eyes and think of the Alliance,” Shepard said with a wry smile, as if their thoughts were already linked. 

Kaidan couldn't help but smile at that, but the smile died when he saw Shepard's eyes were drawn to his lips. He felt the flush of physical arousal making his face red, and took a step back. 

“I'll close my eyes and think of you,” Shepard said, quietly, and the promise in his voice made Kaidan shiver.


	7. Chapter 7

There had been no time to talk about it again, getting shut down by the Council, mutinying just to protect the galaxy... but when they were on the way to Ilos, the planet Liara had recognised when joining her mind with Shepard, Kaidan couldn't let it end like that, without at least talking to Shepard. 

So, despite his doubts, he went to see Shepard at his cabin. Shepard bypassed anything he was about to say by asking him to join them.

“Are you sure about this?” Kaidan asked, refusing to let the other man touch him in case he took the decision out of their hands.

“Yes. I want to... No one can say what happens tomorrow, if we'll even live through it... and I want this, I want to give you this.”

“And what if we don't die tomorrow?”

“Then we'll live. And we'll have each other.”

“You don't think we should wait until after? To be sure... we're doing this for the right reasons.”

“Kaidan, I _love_ you.” And even if he'd known that, it had been implied in everything, in the promise of _forever_ , to hear the words out loud... It was almost enough to make him lose control. “I knew that weeks ago, I knew it was possible ever since I first met you, and I have... Trust me, I have thought this through. I never let anyone get close. But I let you.”

“I never thought I'd even want to let anyone this close,” Kaidan said. “And... are you sure this – me – is what you really want, for... ever?”

“Why don't you take a look,” Shepard said, expression as open as he'd ever seen it, his eyes pleading.

Kaidan raised his hands, almost hesitantly, and held Shepard's face between them, resting his forehead against his, maximising the physical contact, reaching for the rarely used alien power inside him... and opened his mind to another. 

Shepard's mind opened to receive his, there was no other word to describe it. Of course, he had done this with at least two asari before, and the thought came with the echo of the jealousy and instantly Shepard – John – responded to it with reassurance. 

It was beautiful, it was bright, the power of personality that was John Shepard was all around him, reaching out to him, drawing him in, and he wanted to stay in that warmth. Shepard's only reaction to the thought was happiness.

“Okay, I believe you,” he said, hoarsely, drawing out. 

“Kaidan! That was... it wasn't like that with... is it different because you're human? Or because you're you?”

“I think... it's different because of who we are, what we are to each other. It has never been like that for me, either.”

“Are you sure now?”

“Yes.”

“Then...” Shepard said, and leaned in to kiss him.

He had hardly ever kissed anyone before, and with Shepard that was almost overwhelming on its own.

“You realise... I have never done this before,” he said hesitantly, not wanting to disappoint the other man. 

“And you will know very soon how that makes me feel,” Shepard promised, pulling him in for another kiss. 

Kaidan opened his mouth, welcoming the investigating tongue in, touching it with his own, testing waters. So that was why everyone was so serious about kissing. What a discovery to make in his thirties...

He hardly noticed Shepard leading them towards the bed, all his concentration on their mouths, on the hands at his back, sweeping down to his ass, pulling him even closer to that wonderful hard body, and the change from vertical to horizontal was a surprise but hardly an unpleasant one.

Hands on his shirt, and as they separated for long enough that Shepard could pull it off his body, Kaidan took the opportunity to get rid of Shepard's. Skin on skin was overwhelming, but in a good way, and he wanted more, more skin, more contact, more of Shepard, more of these sensations that were so much more intense than anything he'd felt when touching himself.

He worried he was not giving as much to the other man as he was getting, but there wasn't much he could do about that. Shepard didn't seem to mind, though, if his reactions were anything to go by. 

“What do you want?” he asked from Kaidan, the question gasped into his ear, surrounded by kisses.

“You're asking me?” he asked in return, letting out a breathy laugh.

“This is for you,” Shepard said, like it was self-evident. 

“For us, I'd think,” he countered, smiling. 

“For us,” Shepard conceded, and pushed himself up, arms braced on both sides of Kaidan's head. The move brought their hips in even closer contact, leaving no doubt to either man's level of interest. 

“I want everything,” Kaidan said, simply. “Everything I have only been able to dream about.”

Much later, when Shepard was pushing into him, so gently, so slowly, Kaidan raised his hands to his face again, and met his eyes. No loss of control, even here, but a conscious decision, and Shepard's eyes held nothing but approval, so he opened the link between them, so recently sampled, and their thoughts flew together like old friends. 

He could see and hear echoes of all of Shepard's previous bed partners, but they were faint, nothing to worry about, as he could also see the strength of feeling towards himself. Shepard could see his fears, hopes, memories, and all the while he was immersing himself in everything the other man was, their bodies were coming together in a frenzy of lust.

To feel what Shepard felt, being inside him, as well as what he felt like, enveloping him, to have every reaction known, and responded to... it was exquisite, unbearable, overwhelming, and he was crashing and burning like a shuttle out of control, and Shepard was there, holding him, catching him, coming apart around him.

And then Shepard was pulling back from his body, but his mind was still there, and Kaidan knew it was permanent. He didn't even know whose happiness surrounded them with its glow, and it didn't matter. Soon they would have to withdraw enough to separate their minds, separate their selves, to be able to function in the field. But for now, he didn't know where his thoughts began or Shepard's ended, which feelings were his, which sensations on his skin. 

“I love you,” someone said, and someone echoed, and it didn't matter, because the contentment was mutual.


	8. Chapter 8

Shepard woke up, body around Kaidan's but his mind was his own... almost. He could still feel Kaidan, his mind lapping at the edges of his. Concentrating, he could take a look at the dream he was having.

He got up, a bit reluctant to leave the bed and the warm touch of the other man's body, but the warmth remained, the link remained, and there he was. He couldn't keep the smile off his face, probably flooding the bond with his emotions, but the idea of _not being alone_ , ever again, was... it was everything.

Kaidan started stirring, and when his eyes opened, they trained unerringly on him, as if he knew his position even before opening his eyes. Hell, maybe it did work that way.

“Hey,” Shepard said. _Hey_ , said a voice in his head, and he grinned. “Really? We can do that?”

“I don't know,” Kaidan said with a grin of his own. “Try it?”

“Just... talk in my head?”

“Can you feel it? The bond? ...me?”

“Yeah. Like... a new border in my brain, and on the other side... you.”

“Well, try shouting over the border.”

_Is it going to be like this? Always? Or is there a limit to the distance?_

“Why do you think the Alliance has a thing about 'Biotic communication'?”

“Well, then we're not telling a damn soul about this, because I'll be damned if I allow them to separate us.”

“John...”

“I can't _lose_ you now!”

“John, you need to calm down.”

“I _can't_ calm down, why can't I calm down?”

“John, you're glowing!”

“I'm _what_?”

He was glowing. He was glowing biotic blue. How the hell was that even possible? He had never shown any signs of his...

“Exposure to eezo dust. Really, John?”

“If you're going to waltz into my head, tell me how to switch it off!”

And, just like that, he knew how it worked, the relevant memories of countless hours of training fed straight to his mind. 

“Okay. What?”

“I've never heard of anything like that happening,” Kaidan said, sounding amazed whereas Shepard knew he just sounded freaked out. 

“Bridge to Commander Shepard. We're five minutes out from the Mu Relay.”

“Joker,” Shepard said. “Shit.”

“You have to go, John. Just... I'll be right there.”

“How am I going to do this? I can't...” Right. He could do this. It's not like he had an implant, even if the long dormant nodules in his body had decided to activate (because of his access to Kaidan's implant? How did that even _work_?), so this wouldn't affect anything. And even if it did, Kaidan could walk him through it. He hated the next thing that was going to come out of his mouth.

“You want to leave me behind?”

“I have to stop thinking so loudly, or you'll never be surprised at Christmas again.”

“John!”

“You know why. Even without your hotline to my brain. You know why. And it has nothing to do with protecting you because I suddenly see you as something fragile, so don't even go there.”

“I know. It makes more sense for me to stay because we have no idea what is down there and with me here we can't lose contact. And if I'm not in a fight myself, I can concentrate on guiding you in case your new-found skills kick in,” he was reciting it like a homework, his voice devoid of all feeling.

“Kaidan...” he was not going to leave things like this between them, not after last night, not even if Joker was going to start yelling through the intercom.

“Well, that's one good thing about this link,” Kaidan said, smiling slightly. “I can continue yelling at you inside your head.”

“When this is over, we're going to take some time off and get a hang of this thing, okay?” Shepard vowed. “For now...” He walked closer to where Kaidan was still sitting down on the bed, naked.

“Just remember that I will never regret this. For what you've given me... I have no words.” He tried to project his awe, his gratefulness, his love through the border between their minds, and Kaidan's smile turned real. 

“I know, John. Me too. I won't distract you while you're down there, you know that.”

“I knew without saying. _John_ , huh.” 

“It's what you are inside your head,” Kaidan said, shrugging. “So that's what came out. If you don't like it...”

“No, I do. I really do. Kaidan.”

“John.”

“I really have to go.”

“I know. I will be with you. And I'll join you in the Bridge as soon as I get some clothes on.”

Shepard leaned down for a quick kiss, and as they touched, the bond flared, the connection stronger for a moment, and he basked in the closeness and love for a moment before tearing himself off. 

“Get to it, Lieutenant.”

“Aye aye, Commander.”


	9. Chapter 9

Kaidan sat on the co-pilot's chair but ignored most of what was happening around him and concentrated on John. There was so much he had only read or heard about the bonds that he could now experience. But what surprised him was that if he closed his eyes and concentrated, he could see through John's eyes.

_Is this distracting you?_

_No. I like your presence. Take a look at this place, Kaidan!_

_It looks gloomy. Also quite awe-inspiring. I bet Liara's in Heaven._

_She would be if we had time to... uh-oh, geth time._

“You get enough sleep last night, Lieutenant?” Joker asked, and Kaidan opened his eyes. 

“I slept just fine, thanks.”

Maybe he should go do this somewhere else. 

\- - - -

“They're _what_? And how do you know that?”

“Never mind how I know, the Conduit was a mass relay, they are on the Citadel, that's why the comms aren't working, so get flying, mister!”

Navigator Pressly was the CO while Shepard was off ship, but Kaidan was willing to say hell to John's wishes and reveal their secret to get the message through. John, Liara and Wrex were fighting their way through masses of geth and krogan to get to Saren, and he was damned if the rest of them were going to sit around Ilos, whirling their thumbs.

“I hope you know what you're doing,” Joker just said, and flew them towards the mass relay. On his word. He hadn't realised the man trusted him so much.

_Of course he does. You're a very trustworthy man, Lieutenant._

_You concentrate on killing those geth, Commander._

_Love you too._

Then he had to pay attention to the ship, as they were meeting up with the fleet, preparing to move in to attack Sovereign, to protect the Citadel. 

“The Council is abroad the Destiny Ascension! They are taking heavy fire, should we move in to intercept?”

_Save the Council, we need them to contain this mess afterwards!_

_Now who's eavesdropping. They are not going to do that on my order, John. Can you get to a comm unit?_

_Just a sec, we're almost there..._

After that it became hard to try to follow both realities, his and John's. Maybe it would be easier with practice but for now he was content to feel that John was alive, and put most his attention to the fight he was in, keeping track of censor data for Joker and informing him on the location of the other ships in the battle. 

While they took on Sovereign, John and his team were battling a husk that used to be Saren. Kaidan looked in every now and again, unable to stop himself, but couldn't stay, couldn't risk distracting John, couldn't risk being distracted at his end, and everything was a blur, and then it was over. 

Sovereign was falling, Saren was down, and... the pieces of Sovereign and other downed ships were raining down on Citadel. On John.

_John!_


	10. Chapter 10

There was blackness where John's mind used to be. But the bond was still there, which meant... well, he hoped it meant that John was still there. This didn't sound like all the descriptions of what a severed bond felt like. So John was still alive, just unconscious. 

_John, wake up._

“Anderson has taken a team to what used to be Citadel tower,” Joker said. “You'd better be right that Shepard and the team are there.”

“That's where they were fighting Saren.”

“Okay, one day you are going to tell me how you know these things. I thought that freaky biotic mind-reading thing was short range only.”

Now, as long as Joker didn't take the next logical step... 

“Just take us down there. Please.”

_John! Wake up, love._

_Kaidan..._

_John! Where are you?_

_I don't know. Dark. Hurts._

_I know it hurts, love, try to move._

_I'm stuck under some kind of... rubble? I can't move my legs. Or my arms. But my fingers and toes move so I think I'm just stuck._

_Can you see or hear anything?_

_No. Wait. Maybe... light? Above me?_

_Okay, John, I want you to tap into your biotic powers now._

_My what? Kaidan, this is hardly the time to learn to do that._

_Smartass. I'll walk you through it, okay? I need you to lift what ever it is that's holding you down, okay?_

_Okay. Okay. Just... might need you to hold my hand for this. Wait, what did you do?_

_I think I just made your mind believe I'm holding your hand. Huh. Neat trick._

_Sure. We could have bond sex from planets away!_

_Shepard, concentrate. I'll try to share the training memories with you but this is a little more complicated as you can't perform the gestures that I use to trigger the right reaction. Just... try to let me work through your body, okay?_

_Maybe you should have done this while I was still unconscious._

_Didn't know it was needed when you were still unconscious. Wait, do you think I could take over your body and force it to open your eyes and stuff?_

_We'll try that on our honeymoon vacation R &R shore leave._

_Aye aye, Commander. Now... let's do this._

It felt weird, thinking through the movements, and seeing the blue glow through Shepard's eyes. It was working, too, the heavy weight holding them down was shifting, rising, moving, and the light got stronger, and they could move their legs, hands...

_I think I've got it from here._

_Good. This is surprisingly exhausting. Can you see the others?_

“Anderson reports that they found Liara and Wrex, but they say... they say Shepard is buried under...” Joker's voice was hesitant, sad. 

“He's okay,” Kaidan said, without thought. He shouldn't know that.

“If you say so. I wish I had your faith in miracles.”

_I can't see them, or hear them. Any idea which way I should go?_

_Not knowing where you are..._

_Smartass. Ow, ow, ow, ow. I think I broke a rib. Or three._

_How can you tell? There are so many pain impulses coming from all over your body... is that your left arm?_

_I see hiding injuries is really going to be difficult from now on._

_Why would you want to, John? ...Do you want me to back down? I can, we can just talk..._

_Don't you dare. Hey, I think I can see them..._

“Shepard is alive!” Joker yelled. “Anderson can see him. Son of a bitch!”

_Tell them about the ribs, John._

_Yes, honey._


	11. Chapter 11

One week was all that the heroes of the Battle of Citadel were given, and John and Kaidan spent it deep within each others' minds. 

Lying naked in each other's arms, every possible inch of skin touching, they went through their lives, memory by memory, to get to know each other fully. Shepard showed Kaidan Mindoir as he remembered it, green and vibrant, untainted by fear, then the attack – as much as he could remember himself. The sense of loss was there, as always, but surrounded by the other man it was impossible to get lost in it. His soothing presence made Akuze easier, too. 

They went through the Beacon vision together as well, with the aid of the Cipher, of Liara's recognition. Kaidan couldn't help but project the memory of the pain at the sight of the other joinings but it was in the past, the togetherness of their bond made the fleeting mind touches seem insignificant.

Kaidan showed him his childhood in Vancouver, the frightening emergence of his alien powers, the Brain Camp... his love for Rahna coloured all of those memories but with the sense of belonging they now shared Shepard felt no jealousy, only sadness at his pain.

Kaidan remembered Vyrnnus and his death far more clearly than he should have, after all this time, and the pain and the shock still echoed, with the hatred and the shame, even if the memories were coloured with his later forgiveness.

The smallest things became important – a particularly beautiful sunset on Earth, the magnificent sight of space seen for the first time from space, a favourite book as a kid, a song heard and never forgotten, an uncommonly brutal fight, a narrow escape, an exam aced, a kiss shared...

Shepard showed him all the people he had ever slept with, in the interest of full disclosure, but they were unimportant now – a part of his past, like any person met, meal eaten, fight won – nothing whatsoever to do with them, now, except as how they helped to make him the man he was today.

That took three days, interrupted by food, by sex, when the mental sharing wasn't enough and their bodies wanted to join in on the fun. Far too conscious of the shortness of time, they kept it simple, learning each other's bodies as well as minds, learning what felt good and what felt better.

They learnt the different levels of their bond, the deepest required touching skin, when they could sink deep into each other's minds, deeper than words, where only images and memories and feelings could be shared, but even still they were aware of which though belonged to who – the presence of their personalities never fading. 

They had to resurface a bit to be able to use words, and that was the constant of all the other levels – they could always talk. But what surprised Kaidan, what no one had told him was that even when they were not touching they could still do more than just talk, they could share images, memories, even look through the other's eyes, while still being aware of their own body, own presence. And the thing where they could affect each other's bodies from a distance? That would need more research at some point. 

It was less weird than it should have been, always having someone in their heads, now. They could have their private thoughts, at least when not in contact – it was harder not to project everything when touching – but it was like there was always an open comm link between them: they could communicate at any time, and it didn't take conscious effort. They didn't always notice whether they were talking aloud or thinking to the other, it made no difference, unless they wanted to use images to reinforce a message. 

They knew they couldn't get used to it, they'd have to pay attention to things like that in public.

On the fourth day they reluctantly discussed the reality of their situation. They should report the bond. Biotic bonding was the one exception to the fraternisation regulations – they would not be penalised for their relationship (if they let out the bit about it being planned), in theory. 

Shepard couldn't help but feel that the inevitable parting was a punishment worse than anything else. He couldn't imagine not having this, not being in constant physical proximity to this man. 

“Is it just arrogance?” he asked. “I'm the Galactic saviour John Shepard, rules don't apply to me?”

“I can't imagine anyone surrenders to the regulations gladly.”

“I just... The bonding is like a marriage. If we were married we could serve together.”

“Not within the same chain of command,” Kaidan reminded.

“There are ways around that. There are no ways around 'not allowed to serve in the same ship'.”

“Would you want to...?”

“To...” He caught the stray idea in Kaidan's mind. “Ah. Yes.” _If we were to report it... yes, I'd like to file the paperwork. Make it official. Don't you?_

_Of course. But we aren't. Going to report it._

_You don't want to?_

_Of course not – how could you think I want to be apart any more than you?_

_So then._

“You know why they do it, John,” Kaidan said, gently.

“Doesn't mean I have to like it.”

“But you already made use of it yourself, leaving me on the ship.”

“Yes, on the same ship I deployed from, not on the other end of the fucking galaxy just because we can keep in touch more reliantly than the comms.”

“I'm not saying I agree with the policy, John. Staying in the Normandy while you and the others went through that mass relay...” his voice died down. _I don't ever want to live through anything like that again._

“So we say screw you to the regs, like we already did the night before Ilos. I can live with that, I can live with the possible consequences to my career.”

“Me too, never doubt that.”

“Kinda hard to, when I have a hotline to your brain.”

“Precisely.” 

“And other than that... I already had to deal with the reality of serving with someone I love, someone it frightens me to death to lose. But I found I can still order you into the field. I can still fight without you in my line of sight. I think we can do this, and be true to our commissions.”

_Though staying in the closet, as it were, does mean you have to keep your new-found biotics skills a secret, too._

_I don't mind. Gives me more time to get used to them. Feels weird trusting something that new._

_Oh, like the bond?_

_Huh. That bit doesn't feel new. It's like... you've always been here._

_I know what you mean. Well, you'll have time to learn._

_Time. Time with you. I like the sound of that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, for now. I have the second part (ME2) almost finished but as it has been "almost finished" for over two months now... well, I'm working on it. I don't know if I'll just add it to this or make it a separate sequel.


End file.
